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To my Fourth Child

I wouldn't call you an accident. I understand the workings of basic biology... cause, and effect. But then, I didn't really put you there on purpose either. One day, you just were. A part of me, growing, consuming, becoming.

For a short time, we were comfortable together. But I knew what was ahead. I'd done this before and knew that soon, I would curse your existence as well as I cursed my own.

You were merciless.

You might as well of sucked the marrow clean out of my bones. A little thief, you robbed my body of all things nutritious. You built your own bones, grew your own cells, while I tenuously soaked up the leftovers, often left with nothing but bile, and sweat, and tears; a life sustaining factory - exhausted, discouraged.

It wasn't easy bringing you into this world. But multiply the pain, the exhaustion, the endurance ten fold, and I'd do it just the same.

Because you are mine... you are me... you are you.

There was a time when my body was not yet a function of productivity, a well of sustenance. Back when pelvic exams were still considered a gross violation and my skin, a smooth plain, unmarred, unmarked by the painful stretching of accommodation.

But my heart was unmarked then too. Unaware that tiny hands and feet would soon pull my heart right out of my chest, shaping it, molding it, and forever keeping a little piece of it for themselves.

I am changed forever because of you, and the others that came before. I am bruised, I am broken, I am split, stretched, scarred, marred.

And I am whole.

MommyJ is an aspiring writer and stay at home Mom to four children, including a vibrantly active set of 5 year old twins. She lives with her children and husband of nine years in a tiny town in the beautiful mountains of Western North Carolina - a place she considers the loveliest on earth. While she mourns the absence of any shopping options beyond Wal-Mart, she loves the presence of so many trees to help buffer the constant noisyness of her home. She hikes to enjoy time with her family, runs because her love for food requires it, writes to maintain her sanity and blogs as often as her crazy children and busy schedule allow on her personal blog,

Enjoy shopping for quality baby clothing at

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