When I was in college I seriously dated a boy who, I discovered, had a serious problem.We'd been together for awhile when he finally felt like he should come clean with me. He was addicted to pornography. In fact, he'd been sent home early from his mission for it, and was in the church's 12 step program. Then he dropped the big bomb: He wasn't sure that he wanted to continue the program, because he wasn't sure he wanted to give up his beloved porn. When I gave him the ultimatum, either me or the smut, he wanted both. So, I showed him the door.
My husband saw his first R-rated movie at the age of seven. He was watching it with his parents. When he looked away from the screen, embarrassed by what he was seeing, his dad told him that he was going to be seeing a lot of that in his life and he might as well get used to it. This young-age-exposure, coupled with easy access to more porn and a life lived well outside the standards of the church, bred itself into a full-blown addiction by adulthood.
When my husband converted, he quit his addiction cold turkey. He is still very careful about what movies he will watch, avoiding all R-rated movies and even some PG-13, because he is well aware of what his triggers are.
I had an addiction of another kind. In my quest for what I thought was "real love" I became addicted to Harlequin Romance Novels. It was my own secret little porn addiction. It took me a long time to realize that what was portrayed in these books wasn't real, eternal love, or even healthy love for that matter. So, like my husband, I quit cold turkey. I still am tempted from time to time to pick up one of those pieces of filth; I avoid the romance section at the library, and I have to be very careful about what I'll allow myself to read.
Pornography is out there.
It is not some myth that's been invented to keep us on the straight and narrow.
It is a real disease and addiction. It has real physical, mental, and emotional triggers.
And it is readily available to anyone, without even having to look very hard for it.
*image via Google
20 comments :
It's very real and very scary.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thanks for mentioning the books. I had a roommate that was really into those things. She was always bugging me to read them too, "It's so we can have something to talk about." Sheesh, I'll talk about the weather thanks! But I really do feel books are something that gets overlooked a lot when we talk about porn or media standards.
My sis-in-law told me once how much she resents her mother having those sorts of books around the house. She told me that as a child she would sneak them into her room and read the 'bad parts.' Now as an adult she still struggles with not reading them.
I therefore, completely agree with you.
I'm really glad you share this. Porn is such a HUGE problem in our world and I think that quite a lot of people think of porn as something only in magazines and videos that call themselves porn.
For me it's everywhere. Its a commercial. Its in a book. It's a clip or two or three in that P-13 movie EVERYBODY is going to. It's the television show that ALL my good, temple going, LDS friends watch.
Obviously there are degrees to it, but one degree leads to another, leads to another... and then they wonder -how did this happen to me?
I have a good friend whose husband has struggled with porn & she doesn't miss an episode of America's Next Top Model OR Dancing With the Stars -two shows that are not allowed on in my house. Period. And it kind of makes me want to bang my head against a wall because HOW can her she expect her husband to beat his problem when she's welcoming it (in a more mild form, yes) into their home?
Very good post.
Sorry for the comment hijack.
I am very careful of pornography. We rarely watch any PG-13 movies because of the racy sex scenes. We also avoid TV shows and books that have those same suggestions. Heck, there are images in these shows that stay in my mind!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I am so glad to read this post--and the comments. I agree with everything that's been said about how something doesn't have to be labelled "porn" to be pornographic--more mild, but the same stuff. I've been beating that drum for a long time and, from the reactions I've gotten, started thinking I was the only one and wondering if I was crazy!
At least that one guy told you about it before you got married, that turned out to be a big blessing for you... and yeah he definitely had a problem if he wasn't willing to give it up.
There are so many PG-13 movies that we don't watch either.. as none of us need to see that. We usually check out movies on kidsinmind.com before we will see it.
I was reading one years ago when my husband asked me if I visualized when I read? I was quite proud to tell him that in fact I did, saw it just like a movie in my own head. He then asked how it was that I wouldn't watch it on a movie but I would watch it in my head. It was hard to stop, like you said, but I'm sure glad I did. I think the story-porn for women is very similar to the visual-porn for men. They are stimulated by things they see, we are seduced by emotions we read that lead to passion.
kidsinmind.com is one of my favorite sites too--it really educates me on what I'm okay with my kids seeing.
At our last Stake Conference Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke and included romance novels as pornography for women in his talk. He mentioned that while men are stimulated by the visual, women are more emotional, and that's why these books are so addictive and are considered pornography. I have never read one, but I had not realized before his talk that they are so dangerous.
It's always a good reminder that porn isn't just the smut you think of in magazines and on the Internet. It can come in subtle forms too. Very scary, isn't it?
My cousin once said that she had to stop reading romance novels because they led her to unrealistic expectations for her husband and disappointment in her marriage. Isn't that the same thing porn can do to men?
By that standard, we have to be careful of even LDS novels with "perfect" men.
I agree with Braeden, so glad for this post as well as the comments. It all makes me think of my favorite quote by President Faust, "marriage is a quest for the good, the beautiful and the divine". Enjoying a righteous marriage and a joyful life really does require our quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine. With that great quest, I really don't have time to waste it on possible addictions, whether pornographic or something else...maybe I better limit my blogosphere visits too. :) thx again for sharing, you are truly inspiring! luv, katrina
I do not wish to stir any controversy. With that being said, I feel it is important to point out that one of the common denominators current research is finding when they study sex addicts is that 77% of them come from what they deem "rigid" families. Rigidity meaning there is little room for behavior, thoughts or communication that are deemed outside of the family's rules or belief system. Unfortunately, we as religious families can often fall under this category. Therefore, although it is important for each family to decide what TV shows, books, and other material is appropriate in their home, it is also important to understand that how these decisions are made and that they are made differently in different households is equally important. People will have different definitions of what a romance novel entails as well as what is an appropriate television show. I am beginning to sense a level of judgment and concurrent snowball effect that leaves me feeling uncomfortable with how many might interpret the comments being made. It is exactly this type of communication and rigid boundary setting that leave addicts and their families feeling isolated to begin with. I am by no means implying that we should not have appropriate boundaries. We should. However, HOW we go about this boundary setting, HOW we communicate, and how comfortable we are with the tolerance needed to accept that others may set their boundaries differently from us are equally important.
Natasha, I appreciate your point. Do you have suggestions for doing that--specifically, protecting our children and teens from stuff that might hurt them, without being overly rigid? That's something my wife and I are constantly worrying about/discussing/working on and I'd love to hear your thoughts.
When my husband was a psychology major he focused a lot on porn addictions. At the time, the church did not have the programs it does now-- and those suffering from it did not have access to the resources they needed. Simply going to the bishop and confessing is not enough. Most non-church related psychologists think that it is NORMAL, which is so very sad. It is an ADDICTION. And it is more prevelant than we care to understand.
Case#1 Like in your story, your encounter with your boyfriend reminded me of my ex-bro-in-law, who did not WANT to give it up.
Case#2 There are those who unfortunately been exposed (most at a very young age) who are addicted but WANT to stop. There is a chance of success in this...although the road to recovery is still like any with an addiction. They will be tempted all their life. Thankfully though, there is hope because of their desire to rid themselves of that temptation.
Wow-- this turned into an awfully long comment.
What I MEANT to say was-- thanks for writing this. It is important to admit and understand in order for any healing to begin.
Natasha-- I really like your response. It is different for every family, although the main concept IS to rid ourselves of it completely. We live in a world where porn is bigger than us. Just because we shut of a television show does not mean our son won't be exposed to it in school. We can't shelter our family from everything. However, I believe shutting off that tv show AND communicating as a family on how to protect ourselves when faced with such adversity (outside the home and why we SHOULD) is perhaps the right way to go.
No one should feel isolated or judged, and I know that is not anyone's intent.
Porn is rampant, and the sooner we understand that(especially those of us who live our lives according to church standards) the more prepared we will be.
I think this story is a great way to raise our awareness and help us seek refuge in our homes, as well as be prepared for the opposition outside those walls.
I agree with most of the comments here and loved your article. It is so hard to take a stand sometimes, but as the saying goes, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything". I think, as parents, we need to be aware of what our children are watching and reading. If something doesn't seem to be appropriate, I talk to my children about it. It is amazing how quickly they understand things. I read all the books that my girls read. That way, we can talk about it while they are reading it. If they are embarrassed to have me start reading it, than that is a pretty good indication that it is a book we should avoid.
Braden,
I'll address this further on my blog in the day or two.
mormontherapist.blogspot.com
I appreciate the different and reasoned perspective Natasha's comment brought to the discussion. As everyone has pointed out, pornography is damaging. However, I think we forget the reason it's bad is because it's a counterfeit to something divine and beautiful. We should encourage healthy sexuality and teach children that sexual urges aren't evil temptations that need to be stamped out.
Sometimes in our righteous indignation, it seems we paint with too broad a brush and call many things "evil" or "smut" when they may not be. We want everything black or white. Excessive rigidity and obsession with what we consider pornography can, just like pornography itself, damage healthy sexuality. If the goal of avoiding pornography is to preserve the goodness and beauty of sexuality, we shouldn't take an overly extreme approach that denigrates all things sexual.
Remember, sexuality is divine, righteous, and good. I don't think it's healthy or reasonable to label any depiction of sexuality the "bad parts" of books or visual media. For example, I doubt anyone but the most extreme people would label scantily clad portrayals of Adam and Eve as smut, even though their bodies are usually shown as very healthy and sexually attractive. Context matters. Overly rigid, inflexible condemnations of sexual material is damaging, and I doubt such language helps those who are struggling with pornography.
The LDS 12 Step Program is very helpful for overcoming these type of addictions. Someone mentioned to me that 50% of the Men in the church struggle with this issue of Pornography. The LDS church is aware of the issues and is not afraid to help other overcome the issues with the proper tools to do so.
1 Nephi 17:41 mentions poisonous serpents. Pornography is a serpent the healer is the Savior. "And he did straiten them in the wilderness with his rod; for they hardened their hearts, even as ye have; and the Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished."
Let us not perish and get the help that is needed. The LDS 12 step program is very misunderstood. It can help anyone. If everyone attended one meeting we would all be better off. The church just made a new website www.combatingpornography.org
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