When I was a bishop, I counseled many people with pornography addictions, including a man we will call “Bill.” Bill’s experience is fairly consistent with others. Except for one thing: he beat his addiction through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. His faith and work opened the doors for Atoning Grace to heal him. I post Bill’s story with his permission—he hopes it might help someone. I do want to make one thing clear. This is not exclusively a problem for men. More and more women are getting involved in problems with pornography as well—usually through chatrooms or messaging at first--then with more traditional forms.
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Bill's Story:
When I was a young man I got hooked on porn. I was active in the Church and had a testimony. I knew porn was wrong, and I hated it.
It controlled my life. Sometimes I didn’t show up to work because I was in the middle of looking at it. A whole day could go by and I wouldn’t even notice. I wouldn’t eat or drink or anything.
Then, I’d be sick when I realized what I had done. I’d repent and beg for forgiveness from the Lord and my wife. I really meant to stop. But then, I’d slip again. I lived like this for about ten or eleven years. It was hell in slow motion.
Porn is really bad. If I had my choice between rat poison and porn I’d swallow the rat poison in a second. If I could choose between leprosy or AIDS and porn, I would choose the disease.
I was always good about confessing to my bishops. It was embarrassing and awkward. But I felt like it was important. I can’t explain it but it was like I couldn’t control the porn, so I felt like I had to do what I could control. One thing I could control was being honest with the Bishop.
My Bishop read the scripture to me about how we are saved by grace after all we can do (see 2 Ne 25: 23). So, the trick was for me to do all I could. Then the Lord could do the rest.
So I fasted every week for a few years. I read the scriptures for an hour a day. I studied the Atonement. I got blessings. When I was worthy, I went to the temple and I took the Sacrament. I stopped watching TV and movies.
And I prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
Mostly I kept believing He could help me.
It worked. Jesus is real and so is His power. I’ve been clean now for about two or three years. I’m starting to lose track, which is great. My wife doesn’t panic anymore if I come home late from work. I’m not ashamed to look people in the eye.
I feel like the night has finally ended and now it’s morning again.
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If you struggle with this problem, please know the Lord still loves you! Most people who struggle with pornography don’t believe that, but He does! Perfectly and infinitely and eternally. Go get help. Start with your Bishop, as scary as that may be. Email or call him today—now! Don't wait. The Lord will help you through him. The Church also has an anonymous 12-step addiction recovery program.
If you love someone who struggles with this, please realize that this isn’t your fault. And please go get help. You need a shepherd’s care and love, too.
If you have children--boys or girls--make no assumptions! Watch them carefully. Smart phones and computers have made porn access incredibly easy. This is starting earlier and earlier.
I learned from Bill’s experience that pornography addiction does not need to be permanent. The Savior’s Atonement is “infinite.” (2 Ne 9:7) He is “mighty to save and to cleanse from ALL unrighteousness” (Alma 7:14).
13 comments :
I think it's great that Bill had such a supportive bishop and family. Such huge keys in dealing with problems and addictions.
I did also want to add that sometimes, I think that if people need to seek outside help, such as counseling and treatment, they feel like failures or that they don't have a strong enough testimony. And I've heard church members tell people that they just need to pray harder or fast more, and it would go away.
I don't want to discount Bill's story or take anything away from it in any way. I have found that for me, when dealing with anxiety or other issues in my life, I needed the atonement AND help from a licensed counselor. And that's OK too.
Kristina, I second what you say. And Elder Oaks gave a talk in conference that confirmed doing all we can when seeking to be healed. At the same time, I feel like a lot of times we overlook the Atonement option, which is so much more than just some prayers and fasting a few times--if there's an imbalance, I wonder if it's favored toward getting help from outside sources, which again, are very important. I think that the "AND" you mention is really important.
I also agree. You need the atonement, your bishop, and a councilor! But you know you are on the right track when you start with your Bishop first. There is something about confession that really helps you to have the desire to change.
Also, having raised eight children so far, one of the best things we have done to control what the kids are doing is to set up the computer right in the living room. That means every other child and adult can see what you are doing. Plus there are parental controls that will allow you to dictate which websites are "safe". That said, I am not sure it would help an adult who is already addicted, but it certainly helps our family to make sure that what we are doing is something we don't mind anyone else looking at. I think this is definately one of those behaviors that is easier to prevent rather than cure. Love Bill's story! We all need to know and understand how much the atonement can help us as we struggle with our own issues.
I'm one of those women who struggled with something similar. In my case, though, I didn't find it on the computer, I found it in romance novels. I tried a whole lot of things to get over it, but the one thing that finally did it was to stop looking at it as something to "get over" one day and that was it. Whenever I said, ok, I'm done, another day would come where I was weak, so I'd feel like a failure and the cycle started all over again. Now, I realize I will always, always be susceptible to this. I have to stay away from those books, and I have to face one day at a time, not the rest of my life. Thinking about it that way made it a small goal, not an overwhelming task. I can't say I'm never tempted today, but I can say today was clean, and so were several years of yesterdays. Here's hoping tomorrow is clean, too!
Anonymous, thank you for sharing that. Good for you! I think your approach sounds very wise. I'm glad you've found some help and stability.
The church just launched a new website on this topic, and it offers TONS of support: sponsored, authored and compiled by the church. There are sections on this website geared toward individuals, parents, youth, church leaders, spouses and family.
http://combatingpornography.org/
You can also find it by linking through the official church web page:
lds.org
What a great example of continued faith. Of never giving up! And yes, good support.
It brings to mind the image of Christ weeping over the return of one of his brothers.
As intense as the pain of the atonement must have been, I believe the pain of losing a soul forever would be far, far worse for Him. And I know people who struggle with addictions most often get lost in the thinking that they aren't worth anything.
But they are! They are worth everything. Always have and always will.
Thanks for sharing.
The beautiful thing is, Christ knows ALL pain. Isn't it incredible to think that he knows the pain of addiction? He knows, and is able to support us through any pain. And I second what Kristina said, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and sometimes that does indeed mean getting help from others as well. :) Way to go Bill!
We recently had a woman bravely share her story about overcoming her porn addiction. It's worth a read.
Thank you to the people who have bravely shared their stories here, and thanks to MMB for having this series.
Oh, the link would be helpful, huh?
Here it is: A Mormon Woman's Journey to Overcome Pornography Addiction
Thank you for sharing this, Braden. The Atonement has a healing power that is often forgotten or even scorned. It really can save lives and people.
Thx Braden,and I agree about the forgeting our Father in Heaven loves us. Whether we are the sinner or someone hurt by a loved one's pornography addiction, it is easy to think that He no longer loves us. My sister has struggled with this for several years. It is hard and painful to watch, I just want her to know that I love her and to remind her that He does too. thx! katrina
I cannot express enough to you how Thankful I am for your honesty and discussion. It's such a hard situation and nobody wants to talk about it. I am Thankful to be able to forward this information on to someone who is dealing with this situation. Thank You.
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