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How To Relocate . . . in 16 Easy Steps

Moving Made Easy*

Right now, I am in the throes of relocating. This is NOT my favorite activity.

It is so far down my list of favorite things to do that it ranks somewhere behind, "Getting baby poop on my hand" and "Someone vomiting on my shoes".

It's not cool, it's not fun and I don't recommend it.

It is a soul-sucking adventure that almost makes going to prison for torching your belongings a viable, tempting, option.

But I don't recommend that either. Instead, here is your comprehensive guide to relocating:

1. Have more stuff than actually fits in your house. This is easily accomplished if you or your spouse has an office off-site, full to the brim of "work" stuff. Also, have a garage that is home to anything that doesn't fit in your house.

2. Decide to downsize.

3. Try to sell everything you own on Craig's List. Receive countless responses from scam artists who wish to give you "free laptops" if you'll just "click on this link."

4. Watch your children cry every time you put something in a box, because they're afraid they will never see it again.

5. Send half of your household goods to Goodwill, and have your children cry every time you approach the store, because they know you're giving away their toys.

6. Try really hard to be organized for the first three weeks you're packing boxes.

7. Give up organization for the easier, quicker "Throw stuff in boxes and tape them shut" method.

8. Tell your children to stop climbing on the mountain of boxes. Watch them ignore you entirely until a stack of boxes crashes down upon their little heads, eliciting much screaming in terror from said children.

9. Threaten to leave all people under 5ft tall behind when relocating.

10. Pack your kitchen 5 days before departure, requiring you to serve as "Lunch" things like tortilla chips straight from the bag.

11. Drink your weight in carbonated beverages in an attempt to stay sane, happy and awake.

12. Wonder if it's really necessary to tape boxes shut. Perhaps if you stack them really tightly on the truck, tape will not be required.

13. Cry when the noise from the tape dispenser wakes up the baby who refuses to nap.

14. Spend more time driving around seeing all the people you love before you leave than you spend packing. Decide that maybe throwing yourself a "Goodbye" party might not have been a terrible idea.

15. Spend a ton of money on stuff that you must have to move.

16. Rethink the arson plan approximately 4 times a day.

Morgan has decided she'd rather blog than pack boxes. She does so at and

*Photo from Google Images

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