I used to smoke.
Sometimes, I’m really sad that I have to say “used”.
Smoking is bad for you. Really, really bad for you....
Too bad I like(d) it so much.
I started smoking when I was 14, because it was super cool. I remember when I turned 18 and I could finally buy them for myself; I felt even cooler. I loved taking smoke breaks. I loved smoking in my car. I was the very definition of a chain smoker. I always needed one in my hand. Every time I tried to quit, I gained weight.
So back to the cigarettes I would run.
Obviously, I was not supposed to smoke. I was supposed to go to seminary and church and young women’s and be a good little Mormon girl.
Instead? I became a really good liar.
I lied to everyone.
Because I had to.
Otherwise, someone might try to make me stop... and I didn't want that.
I loved smoking. The smell, the taste, everything. I know some people complain about the lingering effect of smoke, but that's what Febreze and chewing gum are for.
Smoking made me feel better. It calmed me. I needed it. Desperately. I would spend all my money on cigarettes. Who needs gas in their car? I need smokes! My life revolved around them, especially because I had to hide it.
When could I have another one? Where are my parents? Will anyone see me? Will they tell?
I would tell you when I finally quit, but it's too personal. I know it sounds weird, but that's the way it is. My husband doesn't even know when I really quit smoking.
So why did I quit when I love it so much?
Because I wanted something. I finally wanted something more than the cigarettes.
Nobody knows why but me, and I’m going to keep it that way.
I prayed and pleaded for something. I bargained with my Heavenly Father, “Please give me this one thing, and I will quit smoking. I swear.”
He made me quit first, and once I did, I got what I wanted... and I got it fast.
I was thrilled.
Now, I'm a mother of 3. My sons are autistic and require a lot of help. My daughter is in special education with a speech delay. My life is one long stress roller coaster... and I need a smoke. I know it would calm me. Forget Xanax and anti-depressants, give me Marlboro Lights 100’s and a lighter.
Every day, I have to make the concerted effort to NOT drive over to Circle K and buy a pack.
Every. Single. Day.
Most days, I have an internal dialogue debating and justifying why I should be allowed to smoke. I’ve come close a few times. Closer than I really care to admit.
I wish I had never smoked in the first place.
I thought that once I quite, that would be it. Over and done... but it's not.
This addiction haunts me every day.
Now in my prayers, I beg to stay strong enough to not start smoking again.