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Light It Up

I used to smoke.

Sometimes, I’m really sad that I have to say “used”.

Smoking is bad for you. Really, really bad for you....

Too bad I like(d) it so much.

I started smoking when I was 14, because it was super cool.  I remember when I turned 18 and I could finally buy them for myself; I felt even cooler. I loved taking smoke breaks. I loved smoking in my car. I was the very definition of a chain smoker. I always needed one in my hand. Every time I tried to quit, I gained weight.

So back to the cigarettes I would run.

Obviously, I was not supposed to smoke. I was supposed to go to seminary and church and young women’s and be a good little Mormon girl. 

Instead? I became a really good liar.

I lied to everyone.

About everything.

Because I had to.

Otherwise, someone might try to make me stop... and I didn't want that.

I loved smoking. The smell, the taste, everything.  I know some people complain about the lingering effect of smoke, but that's what Febreze and chewing gum are for.

Smoking made me feel better. It calmed me. I needed it. Desperately. I would spend all my money on cigarettes. Who needs gas in their car? I need smokes! My life revolved around them, especially because I had to hide it.

When could I have another one? Where are my parents? Will anyone see me? Will they tell?

I would tell you when I finally quit, but it's too personal. I know it sounds weird, but that's the way it is. My husband doesn't even know when I really quit smoking. 

So why did I quit when I love it so much?

Because I wanted something. I finally wanted something more than the cigarettes.

Nobody knows why but me, and I’m going to keep it that way.

I prayed and pleaded for something. I bargained with my Heavenly Father, “Please give me this one thing, and I will quit smoking. I swear.”

He made me quit first, and once I did, I got what I wanted... and I got it fast. 

I was thrilled.

Now, I'm a mother of 3. My sons are autistic and require a lot of help. My daughter is in special education with a speech delay. My life is one long stress roller coaster... and I need a smoke.  I know it would calm me. Forget Xanax and anti-depressants, give me Marlboro Lights 100’s and a lighter.

Every day,  I have to make the concerted effort to NOT drive over to Circle K and buy a pack.

Every. Single. Day.

Most days, I have an internal dialogue debating and justifying why I should be allowed to smoke. I’ve come close a few times. Closer than I really care to admit.

I wish I had never smoked in the first place.

I thought that once I quite, that would be it. Over and done... but it's not.

This addiction haunts me every day.

Now in my prayers, I beg to stay strong enough to not start smoking again.

Enjoy shopping for quality baby clothing at

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