I have been asked countless times what the secret is to my amazing and perfect marriage. Our marriage is so perfect, it makes Cinderella and Prince Charming's relationship look like the next plot line for an ABC Afterschool Special.
Now, many people will say the key to a good marriage is good communication, selflessness, the ability to apologize, blah, blah, blah. I'm here to give you the real scoop on what makes a marriage succeed. Who needs similar values and morals? Not you!
Here are seven essential items to ensure a happy and prosperous marriage:
1) Breathe Right strips/ear plugs. Now, it's obvious that I don't need a lot of beauty sleep, but for those of you who aren't so lucky, these items will help you be able to sleep through the night, without having to punch your husband in the head multiple times. Pre-Breathe Right strips, we averaged 12 punches a night; now, we're down to two.
2) A king size bed. Forget about counseling, spending time together without the kids, being nice to each other, etc. A king size bed is the key to a stress-free marriage. No successful marriage was ever built on touching, or intimacy. In order to keep your marriage strong you need to pretend like your spouse does not even exist, during bedtime. Literal chasm in your bed = figurative union in your marriage.
3) Two TVs. Everyone needs some time to unwind, and with two televisions in your home, this will allow your husband to watch his dumb man shows, like Man vs. Wild, bull riding, and CNN, while you watch your classy, educational shows, like The Real Housewives of NYC, America's Next Top Model, and anything on VH1.
4) Two Bathrooms/Sinks. Unfortunately, this is not something we have been blessed enough to have, and it has almost caused the dissolution of our marriage on numerous occasions. Brushing our teeth together is a nice bonding moment, but unfortunately, spitting toothpaste on to each other's heads is not. Although, I am working on making toothpaste in the hair the new giant flower headband.
5) Gas X. No explanation needed. (I did want to make a disclaimer and say that this is only used by my husband, as I am a lady and don't have any bodily functions.)
6) Dual car seat warmers. Men were designed with some type of freak of nature gene (See: Tom Cruise), and are wired to be hot and toasty at all times. If my husband were to take a trip to Antarctica, he would still be wearing shorts and a tank top (a modest one, of course). Having car warmers on each seat in the car helps us delicate flowers to remain nice and warm, so our husbands don't have to resort to putting an ice pack down their pants.
7) Unlimited texting. I prefer to send my husband hundreds of sweet, kind messages throughout the day, and don't want to rack up the cell phone bill. Sweet, loving messages, such as, "Ummmmm, thanks for not doing the dishes last night, so now the house smells like mildew mated with death." Or, "How in the world did you spend $50 at Walmart, on laundry detergent and toilet paper?" An unlimited texting plan will allow you to nag your husband many times throughout the day, without ever having to talk to him.
So, the next time someone asks you for advice regarding a happy and harmonious marriage, make sure you direct them to this post before you give out the same old trite advice about listening and respecting each other. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dr. Laura will be contacting me shortly!
*No stereotypes were harmed in the making of this post.
*All photos provided by Stock.XCHNG
Kristina lives in Utah with her husband and her well traveled Snuggie. Kristina is a full-time social worker, bringing joy, rainbows, and metaphorical unicorns to all the people she works with, on a daily basis. In her spare time, she can be found reading blogs, knitting blankets for disadvantaged hairless animals, shunning Twilight, and wearing high heels while vacuuming. Kristina's dream job is to write for Conan O'Brien, or to move to Alaska and work on an oil rig. She'll take whichever one gives her squeezy cheese for lunch. She blogs at Pulsipher Predilections.