There was a time during my battle against infertility that I felt completely angry. I had no idea who to be angry with. I did not realize it at the time, but I needed someone to blame for my pain. I think we all find ourselves in moments like these, when nothing seems to go the way we planned. It can be easy to say that the Lord is at fault for our supposed lack of blessings.
One day was particularly hard for me. I decided to talk to my husband as we were getting ready for bed. I told him that I did not understand why others seemed to be so blessed with child after child and I was still waiting for one. I felt as though I was forgotten by my Heavenly Father, or, if not forgotten, I was being punished.
My Husband, being the brilliant man that he is, said this to me: "Kelly, if you are mad at Him and don't understand, tell Him." In my mind I worried if this was in some way blasphemous, telling the Lord I was angry with Him. For some reason I felt that I was punishing Him by not telling Him my feelings.
My husband held my hand as we knelt in prayer. I cried for about ten minutes before I began to speak. When I finally spoke, my feelings came pouring out of my mouth like a dam breaking. I finished the most honest prayer of my life as my husband held me in his arms. I fell asleep that night with the greatest amount of peace I had ever felt.
It was in those next few days that I felt relief. I finally understood Heavenly Father's plan for me. He would not change my situation, but He would change me. It changed my testimony forever. I was finally able to let go of the blame and anger. I had never felt as close to my Heavenly Father as I did in those days after my prayer.
Kelly is a stay at home wife, married to her husband, Will, for 6 years. They have struggled with infertility for 5 years and are now trying to adopt their first child. She spends much of her time online, blogging about infertility, adoption, and serving others at Giving What I Am, her online journal, and also doing graphic design to raise money for her adoption at Modern Blitz Designs.
Prayer Photo: http://us.fotolia.com/id/6500629