Disclaimer: This is of course of a very, very abridged account of everything that has gone on, and as such the author has asked that she remain anonymous. To help protect the identities and feelings of others in the family, PLEASE if you*think* you know who this is, don't put it in the comments section. Thank you!
OK I needed that.
I keep on going back and forth back and forth wondering why I feel the need to write this and post it somewhere. Even though sometimes I am livid with the people involved in this story, I don’t want to see them hurt and know that I needed to post it anonymously… Some place other than my own blog.
I think part of it is I need some advice. Part of me needs to know that I am not a complete nut job. Let’s be honest-- A big part of me wants people to say that of course I am completely right! But listen, maybe I am not.
So here we go.
Almost three years ago we found out that my husband’s oldest brother had been severely emotionally and verbal abusing his wife, our very loved sister in law, and that the verbal abuse had reached an extreme level-- A final death threat made to her from him with her poor daughter terrified, hiding behind her legs. We both had just had babies, mine 3 months old and hers 2 months old. She left because she was terrified for her life. They divorced one year later.
More and more details emerged that this man had been leading a double life. As his ward’s missionary leader he was also highly addicted to pornography. He had also abused (physically as well) his first wife and had given up custody of his children from that marriage. He also abused his fiancé that he was engaged to in-between those two marriages. Then one of the most terrifying new things we learned is that he had admitted in open court to having cyber sex with young girls, as young as 13 years old. All of these new developments were 100% true because they were admitted in court documents, black in white, in front of the whole family for everyone to see and hear or later read.
Unfortunately this dear woman, my sister in law, got double slapped in the face from our side of the family. After being abused and scared for her life, her husband asked our side of the family after awhile not to speak to her. So everyone decided to comply with his request.
Except for us. And this is where the second set of problems with this man comes in.
This man-- my husband’s blood brother, his oldest brother-- took many measures to trash my husband’s professional name. From calling the state, to calling an awards program that he had received a prestigious award from, to calling the radio stations he had deals with. He completely trash my husbands name and it caused big problems for us. But most of all I remember seeing my husband’s face…his face after his own brother had stabbed him in the back and twisted the knife.
You know what though? That stabbing in the back can be healed. It can be forgiven. Relationships can heal and trust (over years and years) can be made whole again.
What we couldn’t deal with is what he had done to those poor women; what he had done to those poor children and how he is a pedophile. Right away we both knew that this man was dangerous and that our girls could never be around their Uncle. We thought maybe one day with extreme therapy and help from our church that he could be healed. But we knew it would take years and years, and that he was very, very sick.
Although this man (well obviously) is extremely mentally ill, he believes as if he has done nothing wrong. He thinks that no forgiveness, healing, going to the bishop, getting help is needed. We believe this man-- and not to be name calling --to be an actual sociopath. Through and through.
Again with all of this we knew this man could not be around our children, that it wasn’t safe with his violent outbursts, abuse of women and being a pedophile. We don’t feel as if this makes us un Christ like or unforgiving or as if our hearts are “hardened” or that we are trying to keep the family apart.
Sadly though it is what the whole side of the family thinks. My brother’s siblings, their wives/husbands along with his parents see NO PROBLEM with having him be part of the family. He is invited to dinners, reunions with sleep overs—where children will be present. It is very clear that they want to sweep everything under the rug. To“forgive” and be Christ like and take him back in with no healing done on his part because as they say, “He will never get it, he is to sick.”
My husband’s parents, knowing full well our position AND knowing everything he has done, have decided to start yearly family reunions, where he is invited. We have been very clear that we will not be there. I believe as if they have chosen one son over another. I am aware of how unbelievably hard and hurtful this is for them although the position they are putting the rest of their children in is unbelievable to me.
I feel as if they are putting all of their little grandchildren, the women in the family and the men in extreme danger. Everything as a mother tells me to run run run from this evil man. But our family has decided that they are fine with having him around their children.
It just breaks my heart that we are put in this position-- That my children will miss out on family reunions and get togethers unless I want to put them in extreme danger.
Part of me…no that is a lie! ALL of me is now at the point where I am furious. I am furious that their grandparents, who should be protecting their grandchildren, are opening their home to a monster and letting him in and exposing him to everyone.
This is where my Mormon Mommy Friends come into play… I need your advice, your counsel… I need your WORDS.
What would you do?
Would you choose to sweep things under the rug?
Is this what forgiveness means?
Do you have a similar experience that might provide me some insight?