I realized something a few days ago, thanks to my very sweet and patient husband.
I am not an honest person.
It's true. Let me explain.
We were riding in the truck, trying to find a place to have dinner and proceeded to exchange "words" about where to go. I was still exhausted from being at the ER the night before with one of our kids and then dealing with the rest being sick. My husband's Aunt stayed at the house with the kids to help out, but stress was still taking it's toll on my emotions. So of course, I was hard to please because I was cranky. After an hour of driving around, Dave blurts out, "Katy, you are so fake around everyone else but me and the kids. When you're upset you take it out on us, but in public it's as if everything is okay. I can't stand that."
Now, in his defense, internally, I knew he was somewhat right. I do not hold back when it comes to expressing my feelings around our family. If I'm upset about something, I say it. If they've done something to hurt me, I tell them. And if I'm happy about something, I share it with them. Maybe I am too much for them. I don't know. I'm a girl. I'm emotional.
As we pulled up to a restaurant we both finally agreed upon, my mind kept going over what he said. In recent years, learning to cope and mentally change reactions in order to deal with life, I thought I had made great progress in developing myself. But I guess I still have more road ahead. It's not the first time and it definitely won't be the last. What I have to do is focus not on the negativity of my reality, but on what to do about it now that I know what I know. Or in this case, what Dave so honestly explained to me.
I do not want to be one of those people who blame my past for who I am and why I make the decisions I do. Because placing blame on others doesn't do any good in dealing with who I am now. But what I can do is look at my historical makeup and see what role I played in my decision making. And from there, after acknowledging it, find a way to let go, move forward, and make different choices now.
Here is what I've been reminded of through my past.
1. I want to be liked by those around me.
2. I care about others opinions of me.
3. I have let many people break my heart.
4. If someone needs my help, I am there, even if I don't want to do it. Refer back to number 1.
5. I blame myself for others ignoring me or using me.
6. I take those closest to me for granted, thinking they have to love me no matter what.
7. I am too hard on myself.
From those points, I gathered the truth that is this.
I am not being honest.
And it has to stop.
I need to care more about what those closest to me think of me and not those who are secondary in my life circle. I need to give myself permission to say "NO" and not feel guilty about it. I need to say "Stop" and not feel guilty about it. I need to stand up for myself. I need to give myself permission to feel peace.
For example, If I feel someone has hurt my feelings at church or on the PTA or anywhere else, I either need to talk with them about it, or I need to let it go and move on. And it needs to be done as soon as possible, so it can't fester in my heart to the point where I over think and eventually self destruct my spirit, ultimately placing blame on myself for feeling hurt in the first place.
If I am tired and need rest and someone calls and asks me to do something, I need to say "No" and not feel emotional retribution for it placed there by my own thoughts of self doubt. And I need to stop volunteering for things just so people will acknowledge my existence and thus place value on myself. I am of value regardless of how much service I perform for others.
If someone doesn't want to be around me for whatever reason, it is not my fault, unless they tell me what I did to offend them. And then, if given the opportunity to rectify the situation, they still do not like me, it's okay. I have no control over how they feel, I only can control my own emotions and feelings. And I am still a person worthy of love and friendship from others.
And ultimately, if my children and or husband come to me and tell me they need me, I must do everything in my power to make sure they know I love them and want only their happiness. And to give them that, I must be happy with myself. I must be at peace with who I am as a daughter of God, a woman, a wife and mother, and a human being.