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The Mall Is Not My Friend

It's been about four months since I had Ellie. Four months of cute squinchy babyness and four months of not-so-cute squinchy belly fat. I know this is part of having a baby. I've gone through it three times now. I'm not complaining (okay, a little), but this four months of squinchy belly fat, it also includes not fitting into ANYTHING. Maternity clothes? I'm steadfastly sticking to the idea that they are way too big. And besides, I have this theory that maternity clothing is secretly laced with food-craving chemicals that cause my body to want to eat and eat and retain it all. So those clothes are boxed and hiding in the garage.

I do have a pair of gaucho-style brown pants, but are those things even acceptable to wear in public anymore? Who knows? I don't go out in public that often, and when I do people are probably too busy staring at the snot on my shoulder or wondering why I can't control my children to notice my pants.

After four months of trying to stuff my new self into my old jeans, and then giving up and putting on basketball shorts, or sweats, I decided a trip to the mall was in order. I hate the mall. I'm pretty sure it's owned by Satan. A stylish and trendy Satan, but nevertheless, Satan.

At my first stop I perused the wall of jeans to the sounds of maniacal screaming on the store soundtrack. Besides the fact that I had no idea what my new size was, I had to deal with the other Satan-owned conglomerate of women's sizing. Am I a 10, 12, 14, or something in between? It probably depends on the pant. Then I tried on some skinny jeans. I am a size "Not-Ever" in those things.

After multiple stores and multiple failures to find something that covers my new assets, I was almost ready to cry. Satan and the Sizing Minions-1. Stephanie and Her Post-Baby Body-0. I tried one last store. When I went in I saw that the jeans were sized by waist and length. Hallelujah! The jeans also had different rises, not just "Religion-revealing" low-rise. 

Of course the jeans were exorbitant amounts of money. And of course I bought two pair. I'm going to deduct them as a business expense, since after all, my job is to be a mother, and I have to have pants to wear. 

Stephanie is not really going to commit tax fraud. But she does do her own taxes, among other things, as the ruler of the household Chambers. Read about it at

Photo by Aphasiafilms.

Enjoy shopping for quality baby clothing at

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